Glass Smile
by Kyou-chan2
Summary: An introspective look at the mysterious Kigai Yuuto. reposted.


Hey all, this little introspection wouldn't get outta my head until I wrote it. You don't see too many fics that look into Kigai Yuuto, who is definitely one of the most mysterious characters of the series. So I thought I would explore his thoughts as a personal challenge, and to keep the writing muscles fresh ;)

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**Glass Smile**

I close my eyes, and it is your face that I see. You are always there, looking down at me in my dreams. Asking me _why…why are you here? Why do I never see you anymore? _And can I answer you? Can I explain why I never visit, why I no longer return your calls? What am I doing in this cold building, sipping tea with people I've barely met, while I can sense you at home curled up on your bed waiting for another broken promise? In that dream, I begin to answer you…but then, I wake up, and you are out of my life once more.

It's the monotony of every citizen's life. To wake up, and go to the same job day in and out. I float up the escalator in silence today…that's something different from usual. Normally I can save myself from my thoughts of you by with a charming smile and a suave pickup line. The women at the office often wait for me by the escalator, and their company gives me enough distraction from your voice.

Is it strange that I would not trade my job for anything? That I like being an underpaid and overworked civil servant? You've told me before how much you hate the job I do. I never have the time to take you anywhere. You think I spite you by keeping it after these years, never meeting you at the zoo or your own birthday party. Perhaps that's true.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry I never picked you up at that bus station last week. No, work did not get in the way this time. It was something quite different…something you would probably hate me more for if you ever knew the truth.

It must be irony that a simple bureaucrat, one responsible for holding together Tokyo has the destiny of tearing it apart. I suppose then, I am not so simple after all.

A jubilant "Ohaiyo, Kigai-san," echoes through the office as I arrive, and my smile widens as I place down a box of pastries for the others. _A gentleman must always think of others_, Mother once said. And so a gentleman I must be, always smiling and doing favors for the ladies.

It's the little things that make people happy. Like cream-filled pastries. It is so easy to win affection that I have stopped trying. You would be glad to hear that, I think. At least that I no longer hang about strange women to avoid you.

I have to keep smiling—it makes people happy when they choose names for their newborns…yet it also is downright uncomfortable for those seeking a divorce. I get yelled at sometimes for it, but it doesn't matter. A smile is a good thing to have at both the beginnings of a wonderful relationship, or at the end of a bad one because it's the only thing that remains with me through the day.

"Excuse me. We're here to file for an adoption." I look over my counter to see a little girl with blonde hair standing with her parents. Her eyes are so happy and excited. Is that how your eyes used to be?

"Congratulations. And tell me, beautiful, what's your name?" I ask the little girl.

She giggles shyly, and answers, but it's your name I hear. My eyes widen, and for a moment, the new family thinks there may be something wrong. But the smile stays, and that is enough to reassure them. Good luck to the start of a new family. I file the paper and move on.

It's sundown, and time for my shift to end. I pick up my white coat, and sling it over my shoulder. Tokyo at night is always boring for me. The sights and the lit up buildings are always the same. I never pay any attention to where I'm going. I go with the flow, and it has always led me to the right place.

Tonight it leads me to the park we used to play together when we were younger. The wooden swings are beginning to rust off their hinges, just a reminder of how long ago that was. But I can still hear you shouting, "Higher! Higher!"

You always did love the swings…this park, and all its memories. It's a true shame that all of it will be gone soon. And will you hate me for being responsible for helping destroy it? What would you say if I told you the real reason I don't want you near is that I will destroy your world and all your friends? That I may even destroy you?

In my breast pocket I feel my pronged whip sleeping against my chest. It's a sober reminder of all of this, and yet I cannot feel anything. I remember my first fight clearly, only days after I was recruited. I think you would have liked him— he was a funny boy from Osaka. He would have made you laugh.

I remember making you laugh all the time with my little tricks. I would make your juice rise up on its own and swirl around you. It delighted you to see that magic could be real, as much as it delighted me to know how much you loved it. Those days are gone now.

The pond still has water in it, and I contemplate playing with it. But there is no reason…there's no one to fight, and no one to make laugh. My reflection is smiling back at me. The smile fools even me, hiding my fears and doubts. Yet when I see the water ripple, I know there is something deeper beneath the reflection's surface.

Maybe that is why I hardly manipulate the water anymore, not even in my fight with the monk. Because the water reminds me of you, and how we used to be. And it shows me the truth of what I am really feeling beneath my deception.

I wonder how long I was at our park thinking like that. The next thing I know, I am early for teatime in the hidden basement of a government building. Teatime is a play for us all.

"Yuuto, would you like some more tea?"

"Certainly, how kind of you to offer."

"Satsuki?"

"I am fine."

"So did anything amusing happen at the office?"

"No—I'm sorry to say that I am only a humble civil servant, hardly anything you'd be interested in."

"Always so cute, Yuuto."

"It is all so boring."

"Ah, my dear Satsuki. Soon things will become more interesting. Much more interesting."

Here we are, three people toasting to the end of the world with smiles. We make small talk and laugh as if we did not have a care in the world. Let the curtain fall, let the charade end.

We are so alike, the three of us. I'm sure you would see it if you met them. Kanoe, she has the same flirtatious smile as I do. But deep inside I know there is grief…maybe it is for hersister. If so, we are more alike than I thought. That is why we spend our nights together. We understand one another without actually having to say what we really feel beneath our smiles. It brings a temporary peace.

And Satsuki…she would not like to admit she has feelings beneath her mask, but they are there nonetheless. When she laughs bitterly, or gives me her cold smile, I can see her control on them slipping just a little to let me know that she can feel. That she is human.

I barely ever go to my apartment nowadays. There is no need to…everything there reminds me of the past and it does not feel right being tethered to anything. Kanoe asked me to stay with her tonight, but this was the first time I declined. I think she understood why, too.

The first thing that catches my eye when I enter is that picture of us playing by the pond. We looked so happy together, then, before I left. When I go to my answering machine I see ten recordings. It wouldn't take me by surprise to see that they are all from you.

_You promised you would visit last Monday. _

_Mother fell ill and wants you home. _

_How come you never speak to me anymore? _

_I was shopping at Sunshine 60 and was thinking of you. Please visit soon._

_Do you hate me?_

_How can you be such a horrible person! You think you can just forget about us like we're nothing! I'm sick of your lies, and empty promises! I hate you!_

They continue on like that, and I walk away from the living room to splash cold water on my face. It hits me harder each time I throw it over myself, but it can't hurt me. Only that same reflection in the sink can do that.

Why? Why am I still smiling? Doesn't it matter that I'm breaking your heart? Doesn't it matter that I am going to destroy everything you love? That I chose of my own will to accept destiny and bring the downfall of mankind?

Suddenly the smile shatters, and with the dripping water, hot tears are pouring down my face. I fall on my knees, and let free every scream of self-hate escape me until my throat burns.

Your voice is still playing over the answering machine.

"I'm sorry for what I said in that last message. I-I was just angry. I never get to see you anymore, and I'm afraid that something might happen to you. I love you so much, nii-chan."

I'm still breathing heavily from my outburst, but manage to pick myself up off the floor. Tomoe…my dearest sister. You still love me…after all I've done. And all I will do.

The phone rings, and I know it's you. I can envision you on the other line, pacing with hope that perhaps this time I can answer you before waking up to reality and leaving you again.

The water is still running, and instead of shutting it off, I beckon it toward me. It flows around me in a sparkling stream until I condense it into a perfect sphere. Within it, I see myself still looking back at me with uncertainty. My cheerful voice echoes over the machine.

"Hey! You've reached Kigai Yuuto! Record your message at the beep, and I'll get right back to you!"

"Big brother…please, are you there…?"

Don't let me wake up if I'm dreaming again. Not this time. Keep the smile from burying her again, just this once.

"I…I was hoping that I could talk, please—"

_click_

"Hello, Tomoe."

_Owari_


End file.
